how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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