smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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