I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
