My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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