thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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