I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
