im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
