it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
