My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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