whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
