...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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