Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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