I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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