my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
