I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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