I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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