dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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