Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
