how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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