I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Send help, water and tortillas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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