I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
