I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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