I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
