Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's rum buckets o'clock
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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