dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
