i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
