i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
