wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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