I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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