I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
