yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
