She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
