Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
