Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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