3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
