bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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