I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
They took my balls.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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