Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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