I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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