Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
