So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
