made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
