I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
