I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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