Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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