Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
