Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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