dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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