Don't make out with my wife yet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
