well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My pussy is not your playground.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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