Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
