Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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