PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
