Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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