My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
