he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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