My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
