My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
