I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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