She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
