Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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