your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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